Taokaka's Purely Innocent Misadventures
by spampacker
Summary: Hazama somehow escapes Rachel's clutches, and has a faithful encounter with Taokaka, which doesn't sound as romantic as you think. After somehow getting involved in his journey, she realizes her new feelings for Hazama, and basically just becomes hungry for something other then meat buns! One Sided Hazama/Taokaka, unnecessary continuation of Vampires Are Kinky
1. Hakumen's Contract

*Hakumen is walking(like a boss) through the streets of Kagutsuchi, for no apparent reason. Well, other then the incoming flurry of attacks headed his way.*

"HM?"

*Hakumen spams his Drive. That's about it.*

"If you planned on ambushing me, intruder, then you will be disappointed."

*The one who attempted to attack Hakumen... was the Red Devil. He KNEW those Spark Bolts looked familiar! Something was off, however. How was he quickly recharging his Spark Bolt meter? Hakumen calls hax.*

"Did the Grimalkin give you another upgrade? It makes no difference."

*Hakumen readies his sword.*

"Hakumen, keep your cool. I'm not here to pick fights with you right now!" It was Kokonoe, Tager's 'radio buddy'. She claims to come here in peace, but you should never trust a mad scientist.

"I have no time for you!"

*Hakumen attempts to slash Tager with his really, really giant sword. Tager does his infamous backstep, which he would have followed up with an equally-as-infamous Distortion Drive. He really did want to fight, but he doesn't want to be in a maid outfit again.*

"Hakumen, calm down! At least hear what she has to say!"

"So be it. If it is a waste of my time, then mark my words, I will come for you, Grimalkin!"

*Kokonoe snorts. Very loudly. Disgusting!*

"HAH! I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY!"

"ERRRGHHH..."

"Kokonoe! Provoking him isn't going to help!"

"Alright, jeez Tager, ease up a little. I'm just having a little fun with this dumbass, can't you see?"

*Hakumen clenches his fists. The massive amount of disrespect coming from Kokonoe... It's really ANNOYING!*

"OUT WITH IT! Tell me what you have to say!"

"Alright, Hakumen. I don't know if you can tell, but your buddy Rachel is really absent nowadays."

"That's true. How do you know?"

"I ain't telling you jack shit just yet. Not until I tell you this first." Kokonoe readies her throat. "Rachel is busy giving Terumi the sex!"

"Wha-"

"The KINKY KINKY Sex!"

"How is th-"

"Did I mention it was kinky?"

"STOP INTERRUPTING ME." Hakumen's angry tone keeps her mouth shut for at least 5 seconds. "How did this happen? Is she now a traitor!?"

"Maybe. All I know is that she's got Terumi to do ANYTHING, and I really mean ANYTHING she wants! Hahaha!"

"...So how does this concern me?!"

"I want you to retrieve Terumi from Rachel for me! Pretty simple!"

"And what do you offer in return?"

"Pictures of Tsubaki with her pants off!"

"WHAT? YOU DARE TAKE PHOTOS OF HER IN A VULNERABLE STATE?"

"Soo... is that a yes?"

"YES."

"Wow. I know she's dead in some other dimension, but are you really desperate to get some of that red-headed booty, even in a picture?"

"Do you want Terumi, or not, Grimalkin?"

"I'll shut up now."

* * *

*Hakumen didn't think this through. How in the world is he going to access Castle Alucard without teleportation? Rachel herself needs to teleport him to her home, and who knows where SHE is right now.*

"I need to find Valkenhayn. Maybe he has the ability to call her here." Of course, Valkenhayn is also in Castle Alucard, and he can't get out without the help of his master. Why couldn't Valkenhayn learn teleportation? Sheesh.

"Then instead, I will seek after Terumi."

*Hakumen heads towards Kagutsuchi's NOL branch.*

* * *

"WHERE IS TERUMI WHEN YOU NEED HIM?" He's not at the cauldron, and he's not at... well, the cauldron. He's pretty sure the only place he SHOULD be is around the cauldron. But then again, the whole NOL is empty. So why is he hearing a cry for help...?

Can Terumi be attacking innocent citizens? He'd better go investigate!

* * *

*Hakumen sneaks up on the targeted door, that appears to lead to an office. There, he uses his SUPER AWESOME HEARING ATTACK on the door. This ability allows him to hear sound coming from wood! Good for wooden doors! Pretty neat!*

"Terumi, you naughty boy... oh, not there! Oh, as you wish..."

Hakumen doesn't widen his eye. He doesn't have eyes. Well, technically he does, they just aren't visible, but who cares. "Is that... the observer? Terumi must be in there!" A sudden halt. Rachel appears to be saying something.

"Do I hear Hakumen? Terumi, please go check!"

"**No.**"

"This is for me! Please?"

"**No!**"

"If you persist on this meaningless argument, then I will have to give you a suitable punishment."

And ON, and ON, and ON. How long will this happen? It's annoying, really, and he plans on slicing the door into two, and making them explode for no reason.

And so he did.

*Hakumen slices the wooden door into two, and made it explode for no reason.*

"Wha?!"

"Why, if it isn't Haku! Long time no see!" Hakumen could see deep hatred in his soul. Rachel must have been busy... REALLY busy.

"Silence, Terumi. I have come to retrieve you, as a request from the Grimalkin."

*Rachel suddenly appears in front of Hakumen.*

"If Kokonoe wants to take turns with him, then tell her that I decline giving her the chance."

"She doesn't want to do crude things with him. She wants me to take him away from you, so she may avenge her mother, Nine."

"Likely story, Mr. Hero. I refuse handing my valuable asset to a... crazy whore like her!"

"I don't have time to waste. If I don't get Terumi, then I will perish you." Hakumen notices that Rachel is in no shape to fight. "And you appear to be unprepared for it. So I advise that you should HAND OVER TERUMI."

*Hazama laughs maniacally.*

"KEKEKEKEKEKE! Thanks buddy, I knew I could count on you!"

*Hakumen ponders on why Hazama is even laughing. Until then, he sees that Hazama is now dressed in his usual attire and is standing next to the doorway. Hazama is going to escape!*

"If I need some doors that need to explode, I'll be sure to call you! KEKEKEKEKEKEKEkekeke..." Hazama flies away. Drats!

"Now look what you've done, Mr. Hero. Do you know the amount of force it took to make him sit down with me to do the _kinky, kin_-"

"Save it for the Grimalkin. I'm going to track down Terumi." Hakumen starts walking out. "And if you plan on interfering, then feel free to get yourself killed."

* * *

*Hazama travels across Kagutsuchi with tremendously high speeds. He really doesn't know where he's headed, but he feels like he needs some wind through his face, instead of a flat chest.*

"Ooo boy, IT FEELS GREAT! Glad that's over with. Now, what am I going to do about those two...?"

"Meow! It's scary guy! I'm going pounce on him naow!" A WILD CATGIRL APPEARED.

"Is... that a fucking cat? Get away from ME!" HAZAMA USED JAYOKU HOTENJIN. IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE. No, srsly.

*COUNTER*

"MEOW! That hurts, green guy!"

"Oh sorry, I guess I should see where my feet go next time!" Hazama walks casually away. "Adios!"

"Hey! Wait! No one gets away with kicking Tao in the face! Not without buying Tao some foooooood! Meow!"

"Hah! If you think that's going to get you food, then guess again. miss. If you didn't notice, I intentionally kicked you in the face so that mysterious little face of yours can SHUT UP about all that 'MEOW I NEED FOOD' crap. Now go away!"

"That's sooo mean!... Are you sure you don't want to buy Tao some food?"

"I'M PRETTY DAMN SURE. TAKE A HINT ALREADY, DAMNIT!"

"You_ suuuuuuuuuuure?_"

"Oh no, I'm not JUUUST sure. I'm VEEERRRYYY SUUURE."

"_Reeeeeeeeeaaallllly?_"

"**ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG **"

* * *

*Hazama really did not succumb to Tao's technique. He could reject her FOREVER(despite it being the most annoying experience of his life). It's just that... she's currently hugging his left leg so hard that it's starting to go numb. Of course, he's ignoring this, but he's going too slow.*

"Erg! This is why I HATE CATS!"

*Then the evil Ragna the Bloodedge appears!*

"You piece of shit! GO BACK TO YOUR LITTLE POLICE STATION OR I'LL KILL YOU."

"Why, whaddaya know? It's you, Rags!"

"You degenerate son of a bitch. I'll never forgive you after what you did to-"

"Yeah, yeah. Could you do a little favor for me? I have this really annoying cat on my leg, and I'm also probably being chased."

"I'M NEVER GOING TO DO ANY STUPID FAVORS FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

"Hey! Good Guy! Want to buy some food for me? :3" Taokaka decides to speak up on the little exchange between Ragna and Hazama. It was a really bad time to do so. "I'm REALLLY hungry, and green guy won't buy food for me, meow!"

*Tao's stomach grumbles.*

"So about that annoying cat I mentioned... I'll pay you to take care of her!"

"NEVER. NOW DIE!"

*Ragna throws a Dead Spike at Hazama. It misses.*

"I'll pay you ten dollars if you can get her off of me!"

"CARNAGE SCISSORS!"

*Ragna attempts to attack Hazama. It misses.*

"How about 20?"

"INFERNO DIVIDER!"

*Ragna tries to slice Hazama. Yeah, it totally hit him.*

"At this rate, it would be cheaper for me to buy food for her then to bribe you. Alright, game's over pal."

*Hazama prepares for his grand finale, his Astral Heat. As stupid as Ragna is, he lunges straight at him during the attack animation.*

ASTRAL FINISH!

PERFECT!

* * *

*Taokaka is eating in large amounts while Hazama is just taking sips on his drink. Currently, they are in the Orient Town restaurant.*

"Meow! Thanks, creepy guy! You really saved my life! Tao was about to starve to death!"

"Don't mention it, you fucking cat! It was my pleasure!"

* * *

*While that whole exchange is going on, Hakumen sits on a table, distant from the duo's. He's got the menu over his face(or mask), which is surprisingly helping him blend in.*

"Terumi! I've got you in my grasp. Now, time to end this foolish chase..."

*Unknown to Hakumen, however, Rachel takes the seat next to Hakumen, a menu ALSO over her face.*

"Not without me in the way, Mr. Hero!"

"YOU. Stay out of this, observer. Your attempts to stop me will only be suicide."

"If you plan on taking him away from me, then the risk is well worth it!"

"You are begging for death, observer! If it is what you wish for, I will gladly serve it to you!"

* * *

*Hazama notices the two arguing. It's weird how he can hear them when Tao is OM NOM NOMing on her foods loudly.*

"Hey, can you wrap this up? I gotta boogie!"

"NOT IN A MILLION YEARS! THIS IS HEAVEN! Meeeooooow~"

"Alright seriously... Let's go!"

"Why didn't you tell Tao that you have UNLIMITED AMOUNTS OF MONEY! Tao would have dined with you more!"

"You call this a 'dine?' I beg to differ, you lil' brat!"

* * *

*The debate between Hakumen and Rachel seemed to have calmed down a bit. Both have a temporary truce, as they don't want Terumi to notice both of them.*

"Don't kill him! He's got good intentions, he didn't mean to ki-"

"Good intentions? Both of us know that you are on the losing side of this meaningless argument."

"Maybe so, Mr. Hero. But you shouldn't turn him in to Kokonoe..." Rachel schemes a little. Maybe a little bribery is in play...? "...Because I will pay more to keep him intact!"

"How so? I doubt that you have something better than pictures of Tsu-"

"I'll pay you with sex."

"**NO.**"

"Then WHAT in the world will make you accept to keep him alive?"

Hakumen ponders a little. A light bulb pops up on his head! "REMOVE ME FROM YOUR CHAINS."

"Do you mean in the sexual way? If so, I will not allow you to perform a 'threeway' with my captive."

"NO. I will not be your servant anymore. I will do no requests, nor favors. Swear to me that you will NEVER appear before me again after this."

*Unknown to both Hakumen and Rachel, Tager also sits in the same table. How in the hell did he blend in?"

"Don't listen to Rachel! I'm giving you these incredibly rare photos, and not accepting them would be equal to screwing yourself over!" This was Kokonoe talking. Tager doesn't want to be involved in this, so he just puts his head down into shame.

"Shut up, Kokonoe! I accept your offer, Hakumen. Now begone!"

"This will be the last time I do anything you say, observer. Farewell."

*Before Hakumen could get up off the chair, however, Tager signals for him to stop, and begins to speak.*

"Wait! You do realize I payed for both of your meals? Your not going to go without actually eating some of the food I payed with my own money!"

"..." Both Rachel and Hakumen actually start to notice the food on the table that somehow appeared. Is that why they were looking at the menu?

*Rachel, Hakumen, Tager and Kokonoe sit in awkward silence as both Hakumen and Rachel eat the food. Kokonoe gives Rachel some menacing glares, and Rachel tries her best to ignore everyone else. Tager, of course, shuts down his surroundings completely while eating, and Hakumen refuses to eat his food(cause of his mask).*

"SCREW THIS. TAGER, LAUNCH YOURSELF AT THAT GREEN BASTARD AND TAKE HIM WITH YOUR OWN GODDAMN HANDS!"

"...Urgh. Roger that, Kokonoe."

* * *

*Hazama puts his head down on the table. It's meaningless! This cat really can't listen to any word he says! He has no choice but to 'slap' some sense into her.*

"Well, if your not going to even consider what I have to say, then maybe you'll change your mind after I'm done with you, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Hazama stands up and walks to the other side of the table, while preparing his knife. Hazama also dodged a flying Tager, who goes through the wall and goes God-knows-where.

"CURSE YOU TEERRRRUUUMMMIIIIIIII..."

"Was that Kokonoe? Haha! Now where was I?... Oh, right! I was going to kill this annoying pest!"

"**Terumi!**"

"Look! It's the sex-hungry vampire! No way in hell I'm going to let you sit on my lap again!"

"Meddling with this... **CAT**? 'Slapping' some sense into her? How dare you! If you were into Kaka's, then I would have gladly cosplayed as one!"

"Stop reading the words between the asterisks, shithead. I'm not into this idiot!" Hazama turns really pissed. "In fact, I've had enough of both of you! RESTRICTION 666 RELEASED. DIMENSI-"

"If you want green guy, you can't have him, meow! Go find someone else to feed you! Tao claimed dibs on him first!"

"WHAT? 'DIBS?' I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT **_I CLAIMED DIBS ON HIM BEFORE YOUR PARENTS PROCREATED, YOU AMATEUR!_**"

"Woah, ladies, ladies! Let me finish my sentence first, damnit!"

"Meow."

"FOOLING AROUND WITH THIS SCANDALOUS WHORE, TERUMI? YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU!"

"Of course I do know! That's why I'm giving this lady _a taste of my snake_~!"

"THE NERVE! AM I NOT PLEASING YOU ENOUGH? I WILL OUTPERFORM THIS MORTAL IN BED!"

"Hey! That's my whore you're talking about! I doubt you can do better then her, she's _really wild_ in bed!"

*Rachel summons lightning upon Hazama. SHOCKING!"

"Did I mention she's got a _nice set of meat buns_, too? It's something you'll never have~! KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE-"

*Rachel summons more lightning.*

"KEKEKEKEKEKekekeke! I'm going to have to say goodbye to you, shitty vampire! Say hi to Valkenhayn for me!"

*Hazama grabs Taokaka and uses Ouroboros to fly out of harms way. Rachel is currently 500 Degrees... Celsius.*

"You said something about meat buns, right? Did you have any that Tao can eat?!"

"No, and try not to talk so much, damnit! I'm feeling my allergies kick in!"


	2. Hazama's Unfortunate Fate

"Meow, what did you mean when you were going to show Tao your snake?"

"Well, aren't you just the most innocent thing ever? Heh!"

*Hazama and Taokaka had escaped the wrath of Rachel. She's gotten mad, and that's to be expected when discovering that the person who you'd had tons of kinky sex with had abandoned you with the superior cleavage.*

"Welllllll?"

"Okay, you stupid moron. See, the snake refers to the human genitals!"

"Ge-it-nals? What's that?"

*Relius Clover appears before Hazama and Taokaka.*

"Hazama, indulging yourself in such immature acts is no way to go."

"Well, if it isn't the vampire's tag team partner! How's life been without me, you sick freak?"

"A necessary improvement. No offense."

"HAH. Well, I don't think I'm going to let you live when you didn't help me out back there with the loli! Instead, you would laugh while looking at me suffering, for at least 10 times a week!"

*Hazama throws Ouroburos at Relius. He parries it with Ignis.*

"Settle down. I'm here to receive my new test subject... She happens to be that little feline friend of yours."

"Meow?! Is there something on Tao's face?!"

"Who? Her? Like I'd give a shit!"

"Very well. Ignis!" Ignis grabs Taokaka by suprise. A wimper comes out of Taokaka.

"Meowwwchh... Help me, green guy! The pink robot is attacking me!"

All Hazama could do is watch, as Ignis carries Taokaka away, inch by inch. Taokaka uselessly tries to attack both Relius and Ignis. Finally, a burden off his back! Now he won't have to get his suit dirty from that stupid furball ever again!

"LET TAO GO! Or else she will use her super deadly technique!"

*Relius uses one of his puppet hands hidden in his cape to silence Taokaka.*

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt..." Hazama feels sympathy for the cat. She's just so stupid! How is she still alive with that low intelligence? On the bright side, she's going to a better place...

On the bad side, Relius gets want he wants. You'd think after what he had done to Hazama, he would just let him have a freebie?

*Hazama throws another Ouroboros at Relius. Relius dodges.*

"What do you think your doing, Hazama? Had we not agreed on this?"

"Hey pal, sorry to break it to you, but leaving me to die isn't exactly forgivable!"

"I see. I take it you want to fight me?"

"You bet your silly ass I do!"

"Very well. Have at you!"

* * *

"Colonel, how long is this going to take? Could you just stay vulnerable for at least one second?"

"No. I'm afraid we are at a stalemate."

*Hazama and Relius had been going at it for over an hour now. It's quite boring!*

"Alright then Hazama, I suppose I shouldn't be wasting my time with such a bad candidate for my newest experiment. We will settle our differences later."

"Haha! 'till next time, Old Yeller!"

Really? Just like that? He just forgives him without shedding some blood? You could say that friendship is magic...al.

*Relius drops Taokaka. Very roughly, as Hazama noticed. Taokaka is still strangely asleep, and surprisingly, she has a smile on her face. She's probably in an alternate reality where she's beating the crap out of Relius and Ignis, but we all know that isn't really going to happen any time soon in Blazblue... yet.*

* * *

"Damn, why'd I have to be allergic to cats? I'd hug her tight if I didn't kill her first!" Yes, you did hear that out of Hazama's mouth. And yes, she's so damn cute when she's sleeping!

"Hey, wakey wakey! Time to get up, or the thunderstorm's gonna catch up to us!" This was Hazama's poor attempt in waking people up. When you're busy doing evil stuff, you don't have time to wake people up. You don't sleep, for that matter.

In fact, shouldn't he be capturing the Eye of the Azure now? What's everyone else doing if Hazama and Relius aren't threatening their lives with a sexually exposed robot girl?

No matter. He's kind of busy trying to save his own life, as Rachel is attempting to threaten him with bad weather. It's a really bad week for Hazama as you can tell.

"After all this blows over, I need to pick up where I left off. I've been distracted for FAR too long."

"...meowr... get over here... meat buns..."

"What's this? She's dreaming about meat buns?"

"...i'm going to eaaaaaatttt you...!"

"I'm not going to listen to the cat radio all day. WAKE UP ALREADY YOU DAMN CAT!"

*Hazama uses his 6B... which now does a Fatal Counter in Chrono Phantasma! Too bad it's not Chrono Phantasma!*

"OUCH! Tao had the best dream of her life! Why'd you have to do that, green guy?"

"Cause I'm hungry for meat buns! But you're obviously a party pooper, so I guess you don't want any! SUCKS TO BE YOU!" Hazama tries his best to run away from Taokaka. And if you played Hazama, you'd know he can't run, really. And if you played Taokaka, then you better believe she can chase.

*Taokaka catches up with Hazama in a matter of seconds. She had to do it in the most rough way possible, though.*

"TAO'S GOT YOU NOW! NO ONE RUNS FROM THE GREAT TAO!"

"Alright, jeez... You got my suit dirty! With your damn fur on in too! You know how much these costs you stupid fu-"

"Look! It's the squirrel girl, meow! I'm going to play with her tail!"

Of course, this squirrel girl is none other than Makoto Nanaya. She happens to be working for Kokonoe. You know where this is headed.

"Captain Hazama... no, you're not my captain anymore. Hazama, I'm here to take you into custody by order of Professor Kokonoe."

"Really, private? Was Kokonoe sniffing catnip when she issued that command?"

"That's not even my rank! And I'm not even with the Librarium anymore!"

"What ever you say, Makoto. Just don't fight me, alright? It's not my thing!"

"You can't fool me twice, Hazama. Time to take you... whaaaaaaa?"

*Taokaka plays with Makoto's tail. It's really, really fluffy.*

"Ahah, meow! I've got you now! There is no escape from Tao's clutches!"

"Hey! Quit it Tao! I'm trying to fight the really creepy dude that you hang out with... why were you hanging out with him again?"

"Cause green guy gave Tao tons of food, and protected me from 'bun-ee lee-k'!"

"What's a... bun-ee lee-k?"

"Tao hears good guy say that to the small girl when I'm sneaking up on him, meow!"

"Who's... good guy?"

"I can't answer all of your questions without playing with your tail for ten more minutes!"

"Whatever, do what you do!"

"Hey ladies, you done yet? I'm feeling a little out of place!"

*Makoto faces towards Hazama with the most devious grin on her face.*

"Hazama, do you love Taokaka?!"

"Ahahaha... what?"

"Aww, come on! Actually caring for someone? You'd never take me out to eat! I don't think you'd take ANYONE out to eat, unless it's someone really special!"

"Bleh! Look pal, I suggest you stay true to your word and fight me, not get involved with my life!"

She strikes a wider grin. "You're so tsundere towards her! Just accept that you love her!"

"I'm so glad you left the NOL!"

"I'm glad too, but you gotta confess to her! You just have to! Teehee!"

*Taokaka is really clueless on what they are talking about. Doesn't want to get involved anway.*

"Don't tell this to anyone, but I'm not only being chased by that professor of yours, but I'm also being chased by a loli who wants me to do suggestive things to her! I've got alot on my plate, and your not making it any better!"

"Loli? Suggestive things?... Am I hearing this right?"

"You bet your underboobs that you're hearing this right! Can't believe I'm talking about this to you!"

"And I can't believe I'm talking about romance with the creepiest guy I know!"

*Makoto sighs. Wasn't she hating this guy's guts a minute ago?*

"So what's stopping you from asking this girl out?"

"Nothing! I just don't want to! I REALLY don't want to!"

"Love that's never meant to be? How romantically tragic~!"

"Really not helping the situation here!"

"Oh! That's right. I'm supposed to knock you out now!"

*However, before she could react, Hazama uses his superkick to send her flying across the city.*

"GOOSH DAARRNNITTT HAAZZAAMMmmaaa..." And it's a homerun! Oh wait, wrong sport!

"Where'd that tail go?! Did it want to play tag? Well Tao is undefeated, meow! It's ON!"

"Hold your tail there, kitty. It just felt like flying today! It's really nice out today, so I wouldn't blame it!"

"Meow?"

"What's the matter, girl? About to cough something up? Like a hairball?"

"No! You were finally nice to Tao! It's really... creepy!"

"Haha! I'm always nice to you! Other then the part where I almost killed you, I treat you with utmost respect!"

"What does cold guy say what he wants to do with good guy...? Oh, meow! He wants to take his XXXX and use it to XXXX on the XXXX! Aha!"

"...And WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP?"

"Because that's what a person does to someone when they really love someone!"

"I totally know where this is headed and I refuse to acknowledge it!"

"...and I love you as much as ice guy loves good guy! So let's do the... whatever he said, meow!"

"I totally know we are going to do it sooner or later and I accept the really uncomfortable sex with you that will probably scar me for life!"

"Yay! Where's XXXX, meow?"

* * *

And then they had sex. Hazama is really allergic to cats, so it was just a sloppy mess of failed sex. It's really disgusting!

**BAD ENDING**

* * *

*Taokaka awakes from the horrible 5 second dream she had with Hazama. Somehow, she's back in her conversation with Hazama. And she's not stupid, as she's going to prevent herself from experiencing the horrible experience again!*

"Hold your tail there, kitty. It just felt like flying today! It's really nice out today, so I wouldn't blame it!"

"Meow?"

"What's the matter, girl? About to cough something up? Like a hairball?"

"No! You were finally nice to Tao! It's really... creepy!"

"Haha! I'm always nice to you! Other then the part where I almost killed you, I treat you with utmost respect!"

"What does cold guy say what he wants to do with good guy...? Oh, meow! He wants to take his...his..."

"Are you just ASSUMING I know all these damn nicknames you give to random people I could care less about?"

"XXXX!"

"Woah! You didn't learn that language from me, okay? Just tell Jubei that you heard him say it!"

"But why would I want to do that, when I could XXXX your XXXX in the XXXX, with the XXXX? That's what ice guy does when he loves someone!" Tao just realizes what she said. Why did she say it again? Is she really sex-driven, now that she's experienced_ it_?

"...Ehehe, Why would our old friend JUBEI say such things in front of this innocent little Kaka girl?...Ehehe..."

"Who are you talking to, meow?"

"The sex that I will regret having!"

* * *

They totally did it again. On the bright side, it wasn't THAT sloppy...?

**BAD ENDING**

* * *

*Taokaka awakes from her dream again. Did she suddenly have the power to go back in time? Cool! But anyways, she's gotta get herself outta this mess, whether she likes it or not.*

"Hold your tail there, kitty. It just felt like flying today! It's really nice out today, so I wouldn't blame it!"

"...YEAH! MEOW! :3" Taokaka pounces on top of Hazama. She's not going to do what you think she's going to do.

"This suit has no hope now! I give up! Forget it!"

Taokaka didn't think this through. She just didn't want to repeat the same dialogue... So what now?

"Alright, kitty. Mind getting off of me so we can start running from the mean lady?"

"Tao's going to get off AFTER I get XXXX on the XXXX with XXXX or the XXXX, green guy!"

* * *

*Taokaka knows she messed up big time. She needs to get outta this time loop or she's going to be driven insane... by the endless sex!*

"Hold your tail there, kitty. It just felt like flying today! It's really nice out today, so I wouldn't blame it!"

"Meow! Can I see your XXXX and XXXX on a XXXX again?"

"**NO!** And what do you mean by AGAIN!?"

"Too late!"

"**BAD KITTY, BAD KITTY! SHIIIIIIIII-**"

* * *

*Maybe she's already insane. Good thing no one's watching though, cause this will be her guilty pleasure...*

"Hold your tail there, kitty. It just felt like fl-"

*Taokaka pounces on top of Hazama. She's going to do what you think she's going to do.*

* * *

Taokaka is locked in an endless struggle... of sex. No one knows how long this time loop will happen, but it's going to take a long time before some random plot device decides to stop the cycle.

**BAD ENDING**


	3. HELP ME, PROFESSOR KOKONOE!

**Help me! Professor Kokonoe!**

"Greetings, lost children."

"I am Professor Kokonoe, genius scientist and ruler of the Se- WAIT HOLD ON A MINUTE!" Kokonoe analyzes... something. "Why am I doing this shit again? Aren't I finished with this?"

*Tager arrives on the scene!*

"Kokonoe, a girl from the Kaka clan was stuck in a time loop, and I set this whole thing up for you to get her out of that mess! Your going to give her advice for her to actually stop the... sex, otherwise everyone will forever have deja vu!"

"You shouldn't decide what I'm going to do! I'm the one who gives YOU orders, get that through your big head!"

"This is for the best of mankind! We can't just have people constantly stuck in a time loop because a hungry Kaka girl wants to have... sex forever!"

"Hey! What she does shouldn't be my business! Don't even want to know!"

"This isn't wise, Kokonoe...!"

"Alright, since you won't stop bothering me about it..." Kokonoe readies her throat! "Lost child of the day, you may enter..."

*Taokaka arrives on the scene! With excessive amounts of 'porridge!'*

"Hey! Tao was in the middle of _something_! Why'd you have to bring me here, tail lady?"

"Because Tager won't stop bugging me about it! Trust me, I didn't want to bring you here!"

"We know that you've been abusing your new power to have endless amounts of sex with your little 'friend!'"

"_...I don't know what your talking about, meow..._"

Kokonoe inspects the 'porridge' that Taokaka brought along with her in the lab. Upon closer inspection though, one can see this isn't porridge.

"You were busy DOING THAT?! God, That's why I make the orders around here, Tager!"

"Doing _what_? :3"

"We brought her in the wrong time! It was purely convenient!"

"Argh... She just lost her innocence! This IS a crime, Tager! We need to save her and get her out of my lab! Especially the part about getting her out of my lab!"

"So... give her the advice!"

"Tao doesn't need advice! She knows how to XXXX with XXXX or the XXXX and th-"

"NOT THAT KIND OF ADVICE! Jeez! She might have lost TOO much of her innocence!"

"Tao doesn't need ANY advice because she didn't get the bad ending! Meow!"

"O.K, listen up slut! Stop sexing up Terumi over there! You're just being a coward, so go earn your sex fair and square like everyone else, 'kay?"

"Meow? Tee-Ru-Mee?"

"Yes! Terumi! ...Err, Green guy!"

"Tao's never going to stop! Tao's got all she needs! MUHAHAHA-"

"If you don't stop constantly doing it with him, then you will never EVER fondle Litchi's breasts again!"

"...You bring up a good point, tail lady! Alright, deal! But only for the boobies!"

*Taokaka hungrily runs off, as she hadn't had her daily dose of breasts. Who hasn't, really?*

"Boobies, here I COME!"

* * *

"You call that advice? How did you get your own segment?"

"Shut up, Tager. At the end of the day, how I got her out doesn't matter!"

*The curtains close. That's all!*


End file.
